


don't let me go

by finnhoe



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Cancer, Fluff, I am so sorry, M/M, Modern AU, non smut, this is not for the weak hearted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-01-30
Packaged: 2018-05-17 06:55:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5858755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/finnhoe/pseuds/finnhoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>poe is finn's world, and that comes crashing down</p>
            </blockquote>





	don't let me go

**Author's Note:**

> IM SORRY i did the best i could with trying to be accurate with the effects of cancer and the cycle of grieving also IM SORRY

Dread. Dread is the only thing Finn can process in his head right now as he is driving to the hospital. He can feel his hands sliding on the steering wheel from the sweat. His whole body is trembling under his black jeans and white t-shirt. He has Poe’s favorite brown leather jacket sitting in the passenger seat and he can almost feel like it has a magnetic pull to him, feeling the hairs on his left arm raise because that arm is closest to the jacket.

 

His heart is pounding and it is taking too long, much too long, to get to the hospital. Too many lights. Too many noises. Finn looks at himself in the mirror, there’s a thin sheen of sweat on his forehead and he can’t look himself in the eyes because there is too much fear in them.

 

Time to go. The light turns to green and he accelerates, pulling into the hospital and finding the first parking spot he can, even if it means parking very haphazardly and sprinting into the first floor with Poe’s jacket in hand. At this point, he knows the floor plan by heart and knows at least half the staff. Some of the staff smile at him, and some give him a pitying look. They know.

 

The people and white walls are blurring around him, he feels like he can’t see straight. He has to lean against a wall until his senses come into focus. A nurse walking by asks him if he is okay and he has to wave her off even though the answer is no, he is not okay.

 

He gets into the elevator and wills it to go faster, faster. It’s gruelingly slow and forces him to look at his disheveled reflection in the shiny metal elevator walls. His chest is heaving and he has to remind himself to breathe, to take a slow inhale for seven seconds, and take a slow exhale for eight seconds, just like his therapist told him to.

 

The elevator door rings, and he forces himself to walk out slowly into the hall. It’s almost muscle memory to take an immediate right to room 305. He stops at the door and has to will himself to breathe slow for a minute and tries not to think about how bad it will be on the other side of that door.

 

He finally touches the cool metal door handle and open the door. The steady beeping of  the heart monitor and the smell of anti-disinfectants mixed with Poe’s lavender/ coffee scent floods his nose. 

 

“Hey, Buddy”, he hears a weak voice say from where his eyesight can’t see yet. But he would know that voice anywhere.

 

He steps around the curtain and takes in the bed with cool blue blankets, the sunlight gleaming in through the windows, as if the world is taunting him with how nice the weather is and how if things were different, Poe and himself would be outside and enjoying it.

 

Finally, his eyes land on the one person in the world that matters most to him. Poe’s increasingly thinning body is covered under a mountain of soft blankets Finn has brought him from home in the past. His hair is almost gone now, covered by a plush red beanie Finn bought him when his hair first started falling out and he cried when he shaved it even if Finn shaved his own, too. But Finn’s would grow back.

 

Poe’s eyes are studying Finn. Studying his face, studying his broad shoulders and how well that t-shirt fits him. He studies his eyes, desperate to know what Finn is thinking, and not wanting to believe that voice in the back of his head that is telling him that Finn is pitying him. He shakes away the voice and instead reaches out his hand, the one that isn’t attached to tubes.

 

Finn acts as though this is what he has been waiting for. He quickly lurches forward and grabs his hand, sitting in a chair by Poe’s bed and clutching on to his hand like it’s a lifeline. Because it is his lifeline, and he doesn’t know how much longer he will have it.

 

“They called you, didn’t they? Dramatic little bastards”, Poe divulges a chuckle, trying to lighten the mood and just trying to see his boy smile.

 

Finn lets out a watery laugh and finally meets Poe’s eyes, stifling a gasp when he does so. But not because his eyes are lost and full of coldness. But because somehow through all of this, his eyes have remained the kindest and warmest, full of love and promises and happiness. The same eyes that Finn saw when they first met.

 

“Yeah, they called me. Said that you went off behind my back and tried to leave me. DIdn’t I tell you that if you do stuff behind my back, then we would have a problem?” Finn releases a laugh, his grin contradicting his words.

 

Poe snorts, but his snort turns into a cough. Finn quickly grabs his water from the bedside table and hands it to him, having been through this before. Poe takes a sip and calms himself, before replying to Finn’s comment with, “Snitches get stitches”.

 

Finn tries to hide his smile with biting his lip, but he can’t. Poe is looking at him with that damn smile he always wears when he knows that his joke was funny. It’s a smug ass smile and it makes Finn feel torn between kissing it off of him and fucking it off of him.

 

“How are you feeling? You’ve looked better,” Finn’s teasing smile prompts. There’s no need for Poe to feel insulted because he knows that Finn will always think the sun literally shines out of his ass no matter what he looks like.

 

“Oh you know, same old same old. And I can say you should look at yourself before insulting me, mate.”

 

Finn’s smile gets brighter before it gets dimmer with his whispered response of, “Haven’t got much sleep, have I? It’s hard to sleep without you.”

 

Guilt flashes across Poe’s features, but Finn doesn’t see because he’s looking at the ground. By the time Finn looks up, Poe has recovered himself back into that ever present smile.

 

“You slept fine without me for 24 years in London without dragging my Californian ass here. I’m pretty sure you’re fine,” he smiles, teasing Finn but he knows that he was just as excited to move here with Finn after only a year into their then long-distance relationship.

 

Finn raises one hand in surrender, the other refusing to let go of Poe’s hand. “Alright, you got me there, haven’t you darlin’?”

 

Darling. Poe’s breath hitches, the same sweet word affecting him the same every time no matter the context Finn uses it. He remembers the first time Finn used it. It was over Skype when they were a month into their relationship. Poe remembers Finn called him it in greeting when his face first appeared on the screen. It made him shiver then, and it makes him shiver now.

“Remember the first time we met? When you were in L.A. for a business meeting and you were too dumb to figure out how to get to the restaurant so you forced, me, an innocent bystander, to help you?” Poe smiles at their hands, Finn’s thumb rubbing in a calming motion over his own.

 

Finn nods, “Vividly. I still remember quite almost shittin’ my pants after seeing your face. I thought I had accidentally summoned an angel,” Finn says this in a deadpan voice and face, like he actually thinks Poe is a real life angel. Which, he does.

 

Poe giggles and tells Finn to shut up, before closing his eyes and replaying that week in his head. They fell so fast for each other. Finn had asked Poe for his number when they got to the restaurant, and called him as soon as his business dinner ended. They went out for drinks that night, and lunch the next day, and coffee the next. They fell for each other through the smell of mochas, through the biting taste of their shared jalapeno steak sandwiches, through the sounds of people laughing in the heat of the summer.

 

Poe remembers the tearful goodbyes when their week was over, remembers the disappointment thinking that Finn didn’t want to have a long-distance relationship with Poe because who would care enough about Poe to do that? But Finn did. Finn showed him that love was possible, that happiness was not only tangible, but it flowed through him.

 

“I love you, you know that right?” Poe sniffs, his eyes becoming watery because he didn’t know if tomorrow he would be alive to tell Finn this.

 

Finn has been waiting for this, he knew it would happen with Poe’s terminal disease, but he doesn’t want to ever face it.

 

“God, I love you so much Poe. More than I’ve ever loved anyone,” Finn tries to hold back his cries, but he can’t help but let a tear slip past his eye.

 

“Hey, no crying around here. This room is a tear free zone,” Poe’s own tear rests in the hollow of his cheekbone, disobeying his words.

 

Finn smiles and wipes his own cheek before wiping Poe’s for him, but his hand doesn’t move from the gentle touch on Poe’s cheek. He closes his eyes and feels the warmness under his hand. He feels Poe’s cheekbone under his hand and his cheekbones have always been prominent, but they are even more so now with his face thinning out. He wants to stay here forever.

 

Poe reaches up with his tube-covered hand and holds on to Finn’s wrist, his thumb holding the hollow of his wrist, feeling the heartbeat thrumming there. He lets another tear fall from his eye, because he is so scared of what is to come. He wishes he could say he wasn’t scared of death, but he is. He’s fucking terrified.

 

They stay there for what seems like hours, Poe seeming to fall asleep, but still keeping a grip on Finn’s wrist even in his sleep.

 

Finn doesn’t sleep. He allows his eyes to roam over Poe’s face. His structed jaw, his long eyelashes, the creamy golden color of his skin. He’s always been obsessed with the color of Poe’s skin. He’s always said it’s prettier than any gold ring or jewelry on the planet.

 

He thinks back to the past 4 years of their relationship. He thinks about the happy and bliss-filled first three years, when Poe was with him in London and they lived together with their golden retriever, BB-8, who is at home right now. Poe couldn’t handle it when they went to the shelter to pick a dog. He was in tears the whole time, because he wanted to somehow take all the dogs and cats. Finn had to hold his hand the whole time, running a calming thumb over it, which is very similar to the way he is now.

 

He remembers taking home the tiny golden retriever that nobody wanted because she was neglected and skittish, wouldn’t let anyone touch her. Finn fell in love with the dog because she reminded Finn of Poe, who has dealt with many abusive boyfriends in his lifetime and took a long time to open up to Finn.

 

They immediately took the dog home, and Poe insisted on naming her BB-8 because they met on the corner of the Beverly Hills Blvd around 8 pm. Finn laughed at him and called him cheeky, but he secretly loved the name almost as much as he loved Poe.

 

Finn recalls the first time he told Poe he loves him. It was about 7 months into their relationship, when Poe still lived in L.A. Finn was visiting and went with Poe into his work. Poe was a kindergarten teacher, and Finn had shoved himself into a little desk in the back of the classroom. He remembers Poe laughing at him because he looked like a very overgrown six year old.

 

He can picture in his head when Poe made a comment when a little girl told him that she wanted to be a firefighter, but then she said she was too weak because she’s a girl. Poe instantly dropped to his knees in front of her and told her that she can be anything she wants, because she is stronger than any boy and she decides her future. He had then prompted the little girl to an arm-wrestling fight, and he let the little girl win. The look on her face was sheer happiness and adoration for Poe. In that moment, Finn could relate.

 

In that moment, he knew he was head over heels in love with this giant toddler of a man that made Finn weak in the knees every time they made eye contact.

 

Finn remembers when Poe was first diagnosed with his cancer about a year ago, and he was told that he only had six months to live. Poe was devastated, and Finn was too. But Finn had no time to show that, because he had to stay strong for Poe. Still has to.

 

And Poe fought through those six months with dignity, taking him another five months to now, where he has been in the hospital for the past month because his organs are beginning to shut down.

 

Finn knows what is coming, and he has had time to prepare for it, but he isn’t ready. He could never be ready. His best friend Rey has been there for him this whole time, but even she can’t prepare him for what has been and is about to be the worst experience of his life.

Poe suddenly stirs awake, pulling Finn from his thoughts. Poe opens his brown eyes slowly, struggling to maintain eye contact with Finn, and Finn’s heart drops inside his chest because Poe’s eyes have already lost the life to them and he knows that it’s starting.

 

“Finn, I’m tired,” Poe barely whispers, and Finn can feel the tears springing behind his own eyes and he can feel his heart beating out of his chest as he pushes his chair impossibly close before deciding it’s not close enough.

 

He comes out of his chair and climbs on to the bed, gently sliding Poe’s frail body over to make room for him. He moves his hands so one is holding Poe’s hand as they face each other, both on their sides, and one holds tightly to Poe’s waist.

 

“I love you, I love you so much, baby,” Finn barely chokes out, and he’s willing the tears to go away so he can focus on Poe’s face.

 

Poe opens his eyes and searches Finn’s face as a last attempt to look at him, and he whispers, “I love you, too,” like it hurts him to talk.

 

Finn keeps chanting “I love you” over and over again, even after Poe’s eyes go blank and even after Poe’s grip on his wrist goes limp. He chants “I love you” and “I miss you” even as the doctors come in and shut the heart monitor off, because the alarm is acting as a cruel announcer, reminding Finn that the love of his life is gone.

 

He keeps chanting “I love you” and “I’m sorry” as the doctors force him to let go of Poe and to sit back on the chair before they cover Poe’s body with a sheet and take him away. He’s sobbing hysterically, he knows he has snot and tears covering his face but he isn’t aware of any senses, he’s just aware of the gaping hole left in his heart, because a part of it just died.

 

He doesn’t stop chanting “I love you” until Rey gets to the now empty hospital room, running in with her face falling as she sees her best friend in hysterics in the fetal position on the floor. She scrambles down to meet him and holds his head against her chest, holding as much of him as she can.

 

Finn grabs onto her shirt, now saying over and over again, “He’s gone, he’s gone” and Rey is crying above him saying “Shh I know, love, it’s okay” as she is struggling to hold it together herself, but she has to be there for Finn.

 

They stay there for hours, and no one bothers to move them. It seems like a whole silence has fallen over the cancer floor, like everyone is affected by the death.

 

Finn has finally fallen asleep in Rey’s lap, and she soothes him with calming motions, while she herself is staring blankly at the wall in front of her, because she can’t believe Poe is gone.

  
  


\---

 

Finn doesn’t move, doesn’t eat, doesn’t do anything but sob and sleep for the next month. Rey tries to coax him to eat everyday, but he’ll only have the appetite for maybe one meal a day.

 

Finn and BB-8 have been staying at Rey’s flat for the past month. Both of them act the same, and BB-8 doesn’t have energy like she used to, doesn’t eat like she used to. And anyone who says dogs don’t know what is going on are liars. BB-8 doesn’t leave Finn’s side, even when he showers she will sit on the rug outside the shower or attempt to go in with him.

 

Rey and Finn work together, and Rey had to tell Finn’s boss the situation, and thankfully his boss is kind enough to give Finn time off, and hires a temp in his absence. Rey picks up any extra slack around the office, and busts her ass to supply food and necessities for both of them.

 

Thankfully, Finn has had a savings account for this exact time, when Poe knew he would be catatonic for a while after Poe’s death. It was Poe’s idea, and he created the account and would put a certain amount of money in it from their joint bank account every month. He didn’t tell Finn, of course, but Rey knew.

 

\---

 

The funeral is small, because even though Poe charmed the pants off everyone he met, he never made close friends. It is on a nice sunny day, and Rey organizes it in L.A, because that’s where Poe’s heart always was. Well, there and Finn.

 

Poe never had parent figures, because he was an orphan from a young age and mostly raised himself as he bounced from foster home to foster home as a kid. He stayed on track with his education, thanks to his older best friend, Ben Solo. Ben is the only person from his childhood who shows up to the funeral.

 

Finn doesn’t cry at the beginning of the funeral. He’s cried all he could within the past few months. Instead, he sits as a few people give eulogies to Poe. He sits with a blank face and he feels numb now. He doesn’t think he has emotions anymore, because Poe took his heart and his emotions with him.

 

Instead he doesn’t listen to the people giving eulogies, but he makes jokes to Poe in his head, like Poe is listening. Things like ‘Get a load of this guy, babe. You knew him for about a year when you were 16 and didn’t even like him that much.’

 

The thought that Poe is listening to his jokes is the only thing that keeps him sane through the procession. He doesn’t break until they lower Poe’s body into the ground. It’s an empty body, because Poe insisted on being an organ donor after he died, but Finn only let them take the internal things. He couldn’t take it if they took anything like his eyes or skin.

 

As he watches the body being lowered, he falls to his knees off his chair. He lets out a desperate sob, and cries into his hands, as his shoulders are shaking. He can feel people’s hearts bleeding for him, with their pitying stares burning his back, he can feel the grass staining his tuxedo, but he doesn’t care.

  
He lost the ability to care about anything when his heart left him.

**Author's Note:**

> hope u liked it, cuz i cried and i now hate myself so hope it was worth it
> 
> any feedback is greatly appreciated!!!
> 
> tumblr: generallando


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